im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
