its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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