And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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