Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
