I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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