I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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