I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
