he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize