From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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