I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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