Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
