remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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