a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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