I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
