I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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