I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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