Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
