When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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