i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
