my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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