I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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