Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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