this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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