so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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