I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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