This girl is more easily done than said...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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