Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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