I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
