what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
