I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
it's like iHOP with fire
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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