The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
