I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
