11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize