I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
