she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
