After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just forgot I was standing up.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
