i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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