i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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