Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
