After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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