im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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