I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The air was thick with penises
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
