made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Say something about gay babies.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
