I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
