I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I am naked and annoyed.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
