I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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