u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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