I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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