i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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