I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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