My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
