Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
