This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
