I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
