Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
