I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I wear drunk well.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
