So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
