I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
