The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize