Welp...herpes.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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