and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
