Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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